The Thoughts and Views of Brother Zachariah
by Fangirl-ALL-Things
Summary: A collection of letters from Jem to Tessa, but he never sends them. mostly fluff at first, but as the letters go on, there might be more like angsty and saddness and stuff. i'm really bad at summaries but its good, I promise rated T for author paranoia
1. Chapter 1

Dear Tessa,

My most beautiful, fearless, amazing love, I write to you knowing that you will never read this, but hoping that it, and the ones that follow will sustain me. I also write in secret, giving more evidence to the fact that I shall never be truly as the others in the Brotherhood are, for which I should be thankful. They can be so frightening, Tessa! I often shudder when I think of what it must be like to not see or speak or taste. To not be able to look upon beauty in awe, or to taste anything ever again, not to be able to speak my heart, though I cannot do this here anyway, my rune of quietude prevents me. But perhaps I shall someday. I shall come to you my Tessa, and we will be together again. If it only were not for one thing. I have received news of your engagement to William. It saddens me, and selfishly I hope that you can still have room in your heart for me. But I am so happy for the two of you, even if I may not attend your wedding. I have always suspected, at least for a time before you told me, that the two of you had... well if not love then at least a deep affection for each other. Did you really believe I was blind to the pain in your eyes when you looked at Will? How could you think I did not see the way the two of you avoided each other at all costs and barely spoke to each other if you were in the same room? Actions such as these send a message of two things, either love that should not be, or a great dislike. I suspected the former, though I never knew for sure until recently. It was Sophie who confirmed the lurking suspicion deep inside of my heart. We had been speaking of you and Will, and if you could ever love him. It was there in her eyes, as if she had screamed it to me, _Tessa loves Will, she has tried not to, but she does. _I will admit, I was angry at first, my Tessa, I wondered why after that, why you had not called off the engagement when you realized you loved Will too. When you explained it to me when we spoke that time after the battle, I knew. Oh my Tessa, not many are able to divide your heart as you have done, and I cannot imagine how hard it must be, if you still love me at all. I am happy also because the two of you will be able to find comfort and love in the face of my absence. Will will be a wonderful husband, everything I could not be for you, and more. He could also be a marvelous father if that is where fate leads. I must go now Tessa and resume being Brother Zachariah. Always remember; _Wo ai ni,_Tessa, I love you.

Yours Always in Love and Service,

Jem


	2. Chapter 2

My Darling Tessa,

I missed you today. I miss you every day, but today I missed you so much that it hurt me. I have nearly decided to quit. To come to you and hold on to you and to never let you go. Of course this is not possible for several different reasons. First of all, you are to be married. Second, I would be dead within days, to be blunt. Third, I am not altogether sure of the welcome I would receive. That doesn't change how much I miss and love you. Can it truly be so long until our next meeting? I cannot bear it my love, but I must, if only for your sake. Oh Tessa! Tessa, Tessa, Tessa. I love the sound of your name. I love the way you speak. I adore your American accent, and how you talk of books as if they are the very thing that keeps you alive. I love your hair, how it curls down your beautiful back and shoulders. I love the silkiness of it, how soft! When I sleep, I dream of you. You come to me with your sweet little smile and take me away from the Silent City. How odd, that a man should dream of his truest and only love, that she would be the one to rescue him, helping him to escape his silent fortress, and not the other way around. Oh my love, how I long to kiss you again! To feel your perfect lips press against mine. I wish I could hear you say my name, my name as you did before... everything. If only my Tessa, if only.

I also miss my music. I miss my violin, the feel of the bow in my hand with the violin tucked firmly under my chin. I long for music. I believe that music kept me just as healthy as anything. It warmed my _soul,_ Tess. I had you as my heart, and my music was my soul. Now I feel empty. So much is missing now. Of course, I am still able to fight, and I help Shadowhunters as well, keeping their secrets, and keeping them healthy and safe. I have become a bigger part of something Tess, but it is not complete. I cannot have my music, I cannot have you, I cannot have Will. I am not complete.

On a more amusing note, do you remember that time so long ago when we were walking the halls of the Institute, and you asked what Silent Brothers did in their spare time? Do you remember how you made me laugh by suggesting that they played charades? Well, I can tell you now, we do not. Games are nothing to us, apparently. We do not have any need for such nonsense. All of this according to Brother Enoch, of course. I know I must sound like a child, and probably have throughout the whole letter, but it is not fun here. I did not expect much enjoyment, but this, this is just...nothing. There is nothing here to keep me sustained. I must spend most of my time in meditation, and once or twice it was a bit amusing, only because I kept trying to picture what Brother Enoch would look like in a dress. I shall get used to it though, and like the other Brothers, I shall grow to enjoy it I believe. Meditation can be quite relaxing.

To end my letter, I wish to remind you, _wo ai ni, _Tessa, I love you.

Yours Forever in Love and Service,

Jem


	3. Chapter 3

My Darling Tessa,

Our meeting is soon. While I am eagerly awaiting the chance to finally see your face again, I am also filled with dread. Do you still care? Do you want me to see you? Will you even show up? What if you do not because Will has prevented it? Ah, I know, I must sound silly, especially wondering if Will could prevent you from doing anything. I know that if you wish to see me, you shall find a way, my Tessa. Although, I will admit I will be much happier when I do see you, so I might stop my worrying. I have a song for you. I cannot sing it, I obviously cannot play it out loud, but it plays in my heart, filling my soul and my entire being. I know that if you still understand my music, you can hear it now, as I write, the music spilling out onto the paper and going into your heart and mind. My thoughts becoming yours and my entire soul being woven into these letters that I write for you, into the bindings and fibers, my music is for you and wholly for you. I love you Tess, and I only wish I could prove it now. I wish we could have our happy ending. But you are in the middle of a story right now, and who am I to interrupt such a beautiful book. An amazing story that you and Will are writing together, writing more fascinating and interesting than any of the novels you both love to bury yourselves in. It is beautiful and amazing and I am so privileged to even watch it unfold from a distance. You have taught me to see the beauty in things such as this. I always knew things such as love were special, but I have never been in love with a woman before you, and it truly is a most magical thing. It transforms people you know. It changes them in ways I would never have thought possible, and you have shown me how. I love you for that, and for so much more. I love you for your bravery, your selflessness, your beauty, your sweet smile that positively melts my heart. Do you remember when I told you that you make me feel like writing poetry? Well I gave it a try. I do not think it is very good, but what do I have to lose?

_You stare into my soul_

_Your eyes sparkling_

_Your laugh, tinkling and sweet_

_Lingers in my mind _

_Only a memory now_

_I remember those nights_

_So long ago now_

_Now I am broken_

_Incomplete_

_Unresponsive _

_But someday I will see you again_

_I will be whole_

_I will feel loved_

_I will not be alone_

_You make me alive_

I know, it is not like your traditional poetry, but what do you think? I found, once I started to write, that it is like writing music, only with words instead of notes, speaking instead of playing. I wrote for you and would do it again, though I do not know if I could, for writing poetry does give me quite a headache. I must go now. Do not forget; Wǒ ài nǐ, Tessa, I love you.

Yours in Love and Service,

James


	4. Chapter 4

**OOS: Hey Guys! Sorry I haven't been posting new letters! I had an internet problem.. Well, it happens to be fixed now so here you are. This letter is about 4 months after the last one. That way the letters stay interesting! Anyhow, reviews inspire me! I hope you enjoy! =D**

Dear Tessa,

It has been many months since my last letter. The Brotherhood has been very busy with certain things that I am prohibited to even put on paper. I write this day for a certain reason. Today is your wedding day. I regret that I will not be able to attend, but Brother Enoch has insisted. I had been looking forward to attending the ceremony in secret, but I believe that Enoch has been keeping a close eye on me recently so I doubt very highly that I will be able to go. I am sad that I cannot witness such a beautiful thing. The beginning and end of an age. It truly will signal your love for Will, for I know that he loves you more than almost anyone else, except perhaps Cicily. In speaking of Will, my Tessa, who will speak for him as his best man? When we were younger, I had never held high hopes of living that long, but when we were older, seventeen and closing in on eighteen...I thought, maybe, just maybe I could live long enough for him to be there on this day. Now I am living and doing well, but I cannot be with him. It is unfair to say the least. But he is well and I am well and that in itself is a miracle. As a very wise, beautiful woman once told me: "One does not question miracles or complain that they are not to ones liking" I remember that day well, even now so many months later. I can only hope to be with you and Will in spirit and in your hearts. Again, I realize my selfishness, for today is a day for the two of you to think only of each other and the love that you two share.

I would have liked to speak at the wedding. It would have been a small speech in yours and Will's honor. Since no one shall read this this is what I would have said:

Good morning. Many of you know who I am so I shall only spend a short time introducing myself. I am James Carstairs, the best friend and_ parabati_ of William Herondale. I must warn you now,

I am no good at speaking or writing for that matter. But I am decent at expressing to others my thanks and gratitude and congratulations as I will do now. Will, we have been together for a very long time. We played together as young children, we learned together as students, we fought together as Shadowhunters. You have brightened my days Will. My illness has been a hindrance, yes, and I am so so profusely sorry that you tied yourself to someone who's days are limited. But you, since the first day we met have made them worthwhile. You have made me laugh, you have helped me, you have cared for me, and never once stopped believing in me. I have loved you like a brother for every single one of the days that I have known you, even when you are being an idiot and a ginormous pain. But Will, you have inspired me. You have known pain and heartbreak and loss, something that all Shadowhunters bear, but you, as just a little boy, left your family to protect them, even if it meant never to see them again. You have put yourself in life threatening situations for me and everyone that you love and even those that you do not love so much. (Yes, I do happen to be speaking about you and Gabriel) And you do it again and again. You are a faithful friend, a commendable Shadowhunter, and the best brother any man could wish for. Now Tessa, when I say that you deserve William Herondale as your husband, it is the highest of compliments. Though we have not known each other for nearly enough time, I have seen you as a brave, beautiful, smart, and extremely strong young woman. I have no doubt that while you will love Will with all of your heart, you will also keep him in line! He will do anything for you and I trust that you will do the same for him. I can see that the two of you will be so very happy together, and live for a long time with a love so strong, that it will inspire other loves! I wish you two a very beautiful and happy life. Thank you.

Now of course if I were actually going, those would have been the words that I would have said in public. I may someday write to you the words I would have spoken only to you, my Tessa, but today is not that day. I do have business to attend to as Brother Zachariah, but I shall write again soon. _Wo ai ni, _Tessa, I love you.

Yours In Love and Service,

Jem


End file.
